Well the moving truck finally arrived on Monday and at 11:30 p.m. they were still unloading our "stuff". The only thing we managed to get together then was our bed and did it ever feel good to sleep in our own bed again. The rest of the week I have managed to get the kitchen unpacked, set up the guest bedroom, get our room unpacked and arranged and even hung some pictures today. I am working on getting the Christmas decorations up and spent some time with Izzy today explaining why Baby Jesus wasn't in the manager yet, I don't think she quite understood what I was saying.
It is nice to have busy days with things to do. It makes the day go quicker and there is less time to dwell on the events of the past couple of months. Sometimes it just hits me that Sean is really gone. I can't believe that I have actually buried one of my children. It seems to come in waves and there really doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason as to what causes the sudden sadness and feeling of loss. This is without a doubt the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life. No parent should be there for a child's birth and to hold their hand when they leave this world. However, I have peace with everything that has happened. I know that he is in a better place and is finally at peace and is happy and isn't that really all that we want for our children. I know that he is waiting for us and preparing a place for us for when we are all together again one day. Izzy said it best as she was looking at our manger and was talking about the angel, "Angels protect and love us just like Uncle Sean."
In other news and unless you are in some huge news vacuum the big news here has been snow, followed by more snow followed by bone chilling temperatures. Robert was ahead of the curve this week and went and purchased a mondo snow blower before the big snow. It is comical to watch him outside with the "Tim Taylor" (Home Improvement) snow blower doing our driveway, sidewalks and helping the neighbors.
This Sunday we are taking Rachel to see the Nutcracker at Hoyt Sherman here in Des Moines. I hope she is excited about it as I am looking forward to the time with her and Robert. This is our special Christmas treat for her. Joyce and I took Izzy to Disney: Princesses on Ice for her special treat and she really enjoyed it. It is nice to be back in Des Moines and to be able to see the girls and do things with them. Hopefully soon Jonah will be able to do things with us but he is still a little young and it quite the Daddy's boy right now.
This kind of catches everyone up on who, where and what of this adventure we call life.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
A Roller Coaster Ride
The last three weeks have probably been the hardest of my life and that is really saying something as we have had plenty of ups and downs, changes and upheavals. As many of you know our son Sean was dealing with many issues related to his multiple deployments especially from his time in Iraq. The demons chased Sean daily and he just couldn't seem to get past them. On Sunday October 25th we got a call that he had had a seizure and that they were taking him to Womack Army Hospital. By the time Robert got there he was already intubated and they had decided to air lift him to UNC Hospitals in Chapel Hill for an emergency craniotomy for bleeding in his brain. Sean never regained consciousness and on Wednesday, October 28th we had the breathing tube removed and he quietly went home to be with Heavenly Father. All of siblings but one were there with him as were Robert and I and my sister Kay who had immediately flown to NC when I asked her. He was surrounded by his family who loved him and his unit Chaplain who really liked and several other members of his unit.
We bought him back home to Iowa, where all there are are happy memories of him growing up to be buried at the new VA Cemetery in Van Meter, IA which is about 15 minutes from Des Moines. He was buried with full military honors and I think he would have approved of what we did. We learned many things about Sean during his short time in the hospital. He was a respected solider, he was a good friend, he was a leader of men and had helped many people. I knew that Sean was kind but the depth of his goodness I was totally unaware of. We had people from all over the world call us to tell us stories of how he had helped them. We had big gruff military people crying at his passing. In Sean's short life of 28 years he did more to people than most people do in a lifetime. One of the things we are proudest of is that we heard from friends from all walks of life, all colors and all faiths. None of these things were important to him just that they needed a friend or help and he was there for them.
I have stayed in Des Moines, found us a house and am excited to be back here to be closer to my Joyce and Justin and my grandchildren, although I wish fervently that we had come back for a happier reason. Robert is in Fayetteville, NC tying up loose ends and arranging for the move of our household goods. It will be good to be settled and have that special love that only grandchildren can bring. There are still really hard times, the grief at times seems almost unbearable. However, I have the assurance that I will be with him again one day and that he is finally at peace and happy.
We bought him back home to Iowa, where all there are are happy memories of him growing up to be buried at the new VA Cemetery in Van Meter, IA which is about 15 minutes from Des Moines. He was buried with full military honors and I think he would have approved of what we did. We learned many things about Sean during his short time in the hospital. He was a respected solider, he was a good friend, he was a leader of men and had helped many people. I knew that Sean was kind but the depth of his goodness I was totally unaware of. We had people from all over the world call us to tell us stories of how he had helped them. We had big gruff military people crying at his passing. In Sean's short life of 28 years he did more to people than most people do in a lifetime. One of the things we are proudest of is that we heard from friends from all walks of life, all colors and all faiths. None of these things were important to him just that they needed a friend or help and he was there for them.
I have stayed in Des Moines, found us a house and am excited to be back here to be closer to my Joyce and Justin and my grandchildren, although I wish fervently that we had come back for a happier reason. Robert is in Fayetteville, NC tying up loose ends and arranging for the move of our household goods. It will be good to be settled and have that special love that only grandchildren can bring. There are still really hard times, the grief at times seems almost unbearable. However, I have the assurance that I will be with him again one day and that he is finally at peace and happy.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Remembrance
Thirty-three years ago today I ushered (rather pushed) my son Jeremy into the world. He was born at 2:20 am at Brooke Army Medical Center in San Antonio, Texas. He was perfect in my opinion, a little butterball that was completely bald. It is hard to believe that so many years have passed. He has grown into a incredibly handsome, kind man. He has served his county since he was eighteen. He is the father of two precious children a little boy named Pietro and a little girl named Mercedes. He has fulfilled and exceeded my hopes and dreams for him. When talking with him today I reiterated that I can't believe has had reached this age, it truly goes by in a blink of an eye. It seems like just yesterday I was bringing him home from the hospital. I hope he knows how much I love him.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Back in Fayetteville, NC
As of last Wednesday Robert, Kiba and I are back in North Carolina. Things just didn't work out the way we anticipated and there are any number of good reasons to be here in North Carolina. The least of which is Sean. We packed up our "stuff" in Des Moines and had the truck loaded a week ago Monday (June 1st) then began the trek down here. We didn't get away from Des Moines till around 1300 hours on Monday so we broke the trip into three days rather than the usual two. It is a very pretty drive, especially through Kentucky with all the horse farms dotting the scenary. We made it here relatively early on Wednesday, a little after noon.
Saturday Sean and one of his buddies helped unload the truck and put most everything in storage for the time being. Our plan at this point is to look for and rent a house at which time our household stuff will come out of storage. There were some things that we bought into the apartment like our bed and dresser. You should have seen those guys huffing and puffing dragging that dresser up to Sean's third floor apartment. Youth is a wonderful thing.
I have found a knitting group here in Fayetteville that is really active and is full of nice and informative women. In fact, one of the ladies in the knitting group is in our new ward here in Fayetteville. It really is a small world. While I miss Joyce and the girls like crazy I can't say that the prospect of no more Iowa winters is certainly appealing. I have a fondness for the ocean and we are about 1 1/2 hours from the ocean here. Another huge plus in my opinion. I am anxious to get into a house and have all my things around me but for the time being the apartment is comfortable and we are adjusting.
Saturday Sean and one of his buddies helped unload the truck and put most everything in storage for the time being. Our plan at this point is to look for and rent a house at which time our household stuff will come out of storage. There were some things that we bought into the apartment like our bed and dresser. You should have seen those guys huffing and puffing dragging that dresser up to Sean's third floor apartment. Youth is a wonderful thing.
I have found a knitting group here in Fayetteville that is really active and is full of nice and informative women. In fact, one of the ladies in the knitting group is in our new ward here in Fayetteville. It really is a small world. While I miss Joyce and the girls like crazy I can't say that the prospect of no more Iowa winters is certainly appealing. I have a fondness for the ocean and we are about 1 1/2 hours from the ocean here. Another huge plus in my opinion. I am anxious to get into a house and have all my things around me but for the time being the apartment is comfortable and we are adjusting.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Busy, Busy, Busy
Now that Robert and Kiba (Sean's dog) have returned to Iowa with Sean at work I have a LOT of free time. Since I have been here I have been doing all the cleaning, washing and cooking. Basically Mom stuff. While Sean tends to be pretty tidy there are just some things that I think guys don't necessarily think of. Like scrubbing the rim of the toilet bowl, boy was that gross. Another thing would be vacuuming. You know going around the edges by the baseboard with the edge cleaner, moving the coffee table, going under the bed. I feel fairly confident that this apartment is probably the cleanest it has been since he moved in here. Now that Kiba is gone and I don't have to worry about running him out I have even more time to do stuff. Although, I have to say that I miss him because he was a lot of company during the day and I could talk to him, cry with him and he just listened without offering any kind of input, positive or negative. Of course, like all dogs he seemed to think that a good lick from the dog cures your woes and he is surprisingly right. Before Robert left on Saturday I laid in a supply of reading materials and I organized the yarn I had with me into plastic bags with their respective patterns (okay, I know it is a little OCD but that is just me). I suspect that I am going to be getting a lot of knitting done.
It was really cruddy here in NC this morning. It has been snowing although it looks like it is already melting off. It was very gloomy but the sun is trying to come out. It was really cold for here too. Unfortunately it is not supposed to get very warm here today. I am focusing on later in the week when the temperature is going to be in the high 60's and eventually into the 70's. Thank goodness I also got some more spring like clothes the other day as all I bought with me was really winter stuff. I am hoping to motivate Sean to get some collapsible chairs to put out on his little patio. I enjoy sitting outside and reading, knitting or just enjoying the fresh air when the days are warmer.
I think we may be making some progress on the drinking issue. He seems to be trying very hard not to drink like he had been. I feel like he is making some progress on that front and that certainly is positive. I am going to talk to his psychologist about putting him on a anti-depressant and something to help him sleep. Hopefully, that will help with the anger/sadness about what occured in Iraq and help with the drinking because he is self-medicating himself to deal with these issues. The more we can keep him from drinking the sooner he can enter a program to deal with the PTSD.
I am so thankful for all the prayers and long distance support I have gotten, for people putting our names on the prayer list in the Temple. Thanks again for all this loving support.
It was really cruddy here in NC this morning. It has been snowing although it looks like it is already melting off. It was very gloomy but the sun is trying to come out. It was really cold for here too. Unfortunately it is not supposed to get very warm here today. I am focusing on later in the week when the temperature is going to be in the high 60's and eventually into the 70's. Thank goodness I also got some more spring like clothes the other day as all I bought with me was really winter stuff. I am hoping to motivate Sean to get some collapsible chairs to put out on his little patio. I enjoy sitting outside and reading, knitting or just enjoying the fresh air when the days are warmer.
I think we may be making some progress on the drinking issue. He seems to be trying very hard not to drink like he had been. I feel like he is making some progress on that front and that certainly is positive. I am going to talk to his psychologist about putting him on a anti-depressant and something to help him sleep. Hopefully, that will help with the anger/sadness about what occured in Iraq and help with the drinking because he is self-medicating himself to deal with these issues. The more we can keep him from drinking the sooner he can enter a program to deal with the PTSD.
I am so thankful for all the prayers and long distance support I have gotten, for people putting our names on the prayer list in the Temple. Thanks again for all this loving support.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Still Hanging Out in NC
This past week has been incredibly frustrating. Robert arrived a week ago and the intent was to take me and Kiba back home to Iowa while Sean entered his PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) program. We had a pretty good weekend, got Sean all packed up on Sunday night and we all headed out to our various destinations early Monday morning. We got a call from Sean just as we were getting to Lexington, KY saying he was turned away from his program, we later found out that he had failed the breathalizer. So we turned around and headed back to Fayetteville, NC and arrived back here early on Tuesday afternoon. Robert took the rest of the week off to be here and try to help get this circus organized. We have talked to tons of people, found out that the Army is really messed up and really didn't get any solid answers from anyone. There has been lots of praying and tears of frustration that we seem to be at some sort of stalemate as to how to get him treated. The week culminated with Robert and Kiba (Sean's dog) leaving this morning to return to Iowa with me staying here with Sean. Today I am very melancholy . . . I feel like I am spinning my wheels. Hopefully, I can annoy enough people early enough in the week to come that we can try to get some kind of resolution or at a minimum start making some real progress towards solving this dilema.
While it is incredibly hard for me to apart from Robert we both truly feel that at this moment in time I need to be here with Sean. If it means I have to pat him down every single day for a bottle of alcohol, so be it. The hardest thing is the lack of a support system here. Robert does a wonderful job from a distance but it is just not the same as having him here with me. Plus, this time I don't even have the dog for company when Sean is at work! I have also had to buy some new outfits as I packed for winter and Spring is really trying to begin here. Although, they do have snow forecast for tomorrow so it is kind of hard to see. Thank Heavenly Father for small blessings like Target.
While it is incredibly hard for me to apart from Robert we both truly feel that at this moment in time I need to be here with Sean. If it means I have to pat him down every single day for a bottle of alcohol, so be it. The hardest thing is the lack of a support system here. Robert does a wonderful job from a distance but it is just not the same as having him here with me. Plus, this time I don't even have the dog for company when Sean is at work! I have also had to buy some new outfits as I packed for winter and Spring is really trying to begin here. Although, they do have snow forecast for tomorrow so it is kind of hard to see. Thank Heavenly Father for small blessings like Target.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Thank Heavenly Father for Kind People in High Places
For those of you that have been following the blog you know that I have been in North Carolina for going on three months to assist Sean with getting into a program for his already diagnosed PTSD/Alcohol Abuse. It has been a roller coaster of a ride with him. I have felt frustration, pain and absolute despair, sometimes all in one day. He has always been a remarkably resilient and strong person. His original tour of Iraq (he was part of the original push to Baghdad) has left him depressed and struggling with how a loving, caring God can allow good friends to die right before your eyes. He has been struggling with this for some time now and the continued promises to get him help just weren't materializing and his condition was in my opinion beginning to deteriorate which I felt was a direct result of the upcoming anniversary of his deployment to Iraq. Finally on Friday I had had a enough. Sean was fortunate to serve in Iraq with a man who has since left the Army and gone on to be a Congressman from Pennsylvania. He has kept in contact with Sean. I mean really how many people get personal correspondence from a Congressman or a phone call at Christmas and your birthday from one (especially when you can't even vote for him) I called his office, talked to him, talked with his Veteran/Foreign Affairs liaison and they really got the ball rolling. I also called and talked to Sean's psychologist, his company commander and former 1st Sargent and just about anyone else I thought could help.
Thanks to the Congressman and other people who care for him we now have a date for his entrance into the PTSD/Substance Abuse program that is in Hampton, VA. He will be entering the program on 23 February, which is less than two weeks. I am so excited for him and so thankful for the kind people that Heavenly Father has put in his life that were willing to step up and get him the help that he needs. Last night I saw a faint glimmer of the Sean that was prior to his deployment. It makes my heart break that he has had to go through this and there have been countless hours of prayer, but I am convinced that Heavenly Father has something greater in-store for him and that good will come out of this.
For me, I am so anxious to be back in Waterloo with my honey. I have missed him terribly and he has been wonderfully supportive of me being here. I miss my Ward family at Church and can't wait to see all of them. I have felt the strength of their love and support the entire time I have been gone. One of the first things I want to do when I get back is to take a weekend and spend an entire Saturday at the temple in Nauvoo. I need the peace that it brings to me.
Thanks to the Congressman and other people who care for him we now have a date for his entrance into the PTSD/Substance Abuse program that is in Hampton, VA. He will be entering the program on 23 February, which is less than two weeks. I am so excited for him and so thankful for the kind people that Heavenly Father has put in his life that were willing to step up and get him the help that he needs. Last night I saw a faint glimmer of the Sean that was prior to his deployment. It makes my heart break that he has had to go through this and there have been countless hours of prayer, but I am convinced that Heavenly Father has something greater in-store for him and that good will come out of this.
For me, I am so anxious to be back in Waterloo with my honey. I have missed him terribly and he has been wonderfully supportive of me being here. I miss my Ward family at Church and can't wait to see all of them. I have felt the strength of their love and support the entire time I have been gone. One of the first things I want to do when I get back is to take a weekend and spend an entire Saturday at the temple in Nauvoo. I need the peace that it brings to me.
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